


my heart ♥

by ohpleaselarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anyways, BC TRIGGER WARNINGS, Cheating, Children, Crying, Death, I don't want to give anything away, Lots of Crying, M/M, READ CH TWO SUMMARY, So don't freak out, Stop reading the tags and read the fic, also, but not any of the boys, in second chapter, kinda my signature thing btw, larry smut, like imagine a river of tears, okay read it now, pls, smut in the second chapter, that is this fic, then dONT, unless cheating is a trigger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 14:17:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4266390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohpleaselarry/pseuds/ohpleaselarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry sees Louis, and he sees all of his mistakes. He sees all of his wrongs and everything he wishes he could change. But then he sees the man he loves. He sees a future and he sees the life he wants. He sees his home. That's all he really needs.</p><p>An angry one night stand changes Harry's life forever. The hardest part is Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. beats in time with yours

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiii so this is a bit long so I've cut it in two parts cause I'm sick of looking it over so much and I want to finish it already!! I love everyone who supports my writing and this is a bit of a sore spot for me so try to go easy on me. 
> 
> this is for bella, as are all my writings. you may not be in my life anymore, but you are still my brightest muse.
> 
> thanks everyone for reading!

♥ 

A few days after Louis and Harry'd had a huge fight about the bullshit tweet, which was done in revenge of Harry blowing everyone off to spend time with Nick Grimshaw, Harry, in his hurt rage that Louis would take it as far as tweeting something like that, had gone out and done the last thing he'd ever imagined he would ever do.   
He cheated. With a girl. A swedish girl. They'd been in Sweden during the entire thing and they actually technically were fighting and sort of on a break, so it was kind of like he wasn't cheating? Harry just knew that Louis could never figure out.  
That was, until they went back to Sweden on the On the Road Again Tour. Louis and Harry had been through so much. Five years of jealousy and banter and fights but most of all, love. They were engaged. Had been for a while. And they were just at the start of the very slow coming out plan that management had planned. It was going alright.   
Louis had tweeted the bullshit tweet the 16th of September in 2012. Harry'd cheated on the 18th. So it had been about three years and nine or so months since it'd happened. It was now the 19th of June in 2015, and Harry had still never told Louis, though it nagged at him sometimes, when Louis told him he wanted a small wedding, or randomly bought him sweatpants or gave him a spontaneous massage. Louis had always been faithful, though he can be right bratty sometimes, he never would cheat on Harry, he knows this for certain, especially after he'd proposed.  
It was when they were backstage in the Sweden show meeting the VIP pass fans, that it all went to hell.  
She was here. The Swedish girl that Harry'd cheated with. She was here, standing there looking all out of place, not a thing in her hand to be signed. Alberto took one look at her and went right to her, and Harry was too busy panicking to try to figure out what they were saying. Alberto suddenly looks up at Harry and motions him over. Harry can feel Louis' eyes on him, though they probably aren't. Him and Louis'd always been attuned to each other, even sometimes without even realising it.   
Harry finally gets close enough to tune into what they are quietly talking about.  
"You know this is a very important thing you are claiming, girl. If there is any chance you're lying, you will have lawsuits and billions of teenagers against you." Alberto is saying.   
Susan, her name is, looks up and sees him, and looks near tears.  
"What's going on?" Harry asks, and she is looking more panicked by the second, brown eyes flitting around the room at the girls all desperately trying to know what they are talking about. Even though she is the girl Harry cheated on Louis with, Harry still respects her. There's no way she knows that he and Louis are engaged, or were dating at the time of the cheating. Plus Harry just cares about people like that.  
"Can we speak in private?" Harry asks Alberto before Susan can, and he looks like he's going to protest, but then he sees how serious Harry is, and he nods and leads them away from the VIP room and to Harry's dressing room, then leaving to probably go announce that Harry will be back shortly.  
"You might want to sit." Susan murmurs, accent quiet and sweet just the same as it was when Harry'd met her at that museum three years ago.  
Harry sits, and waits for her to talk. It's been three years since he cheated. She was the third person Harry had ever had sex with, but they hadn't talked again, past Harry having to send her the contract stating that she won't tell the world what they did. It was surprising to see her now, after all of this time.  
"I hadn't had the money after it happened to come see you, and I didn't have the connections to get your number, so I had to save up money and wait until you came back to Sweden to tell you. Took a while, didn't it?"   
Harry doesn't answer other than a patient nod. His heart is beating fast and he's expecting the worst. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and clears her throat, meeting his eyes with a deep breath.  
"Harry, in two days, on the 21st of June, your daughter will be turning two."  
Harry's heart stops. The room goes deadly silent. Harry can't process the information, he goes light-headed all of a sudden. He starts to breathe heavier and his eyes can't stop flitting everywhere.  
"D-daughter?" he wheezes, and she swallows heavily and nods.  
"Yes, your daughter. You're the only person I've slept with, out of the four I have, that matches up with the timeline. And she's like an exact copy of you. I didn't want to do this to you. I didn't want to come here and tell you. In fact, I didn't plan to until your stardom was over, but I had to come. This will make me sound selfish, but I can't do this alone. My parents kicked me out after they found out, and I lived in a teen pregnancy care center until I saved up enough for a flat, but money is so tight right now I haven't eaten in ages. I…I love her so much and I don't want to give her up. But I don't have enough for diapers anymore and she really needs a father. This was the last thing I wanted to do, was to put this stress on you, but it's my only option."  
Harry is quiet for a very long time. He's 21, and he has a daughter. He thinks this over about three hundred times, before taking ten deep breaths as to not panic. When he's calm, he takes her hands in his.  
"You're completely sure it's mine?" he asks, and she gives him a watery chuckle, tears slipping from her eyes.  
"Positive. The closest to the date I slept with you was months before. It doesn't match up. The condom must've broken." she murmurs, and Harry nods, wiping at his own emotional eyes. He can't breathe.  
"Don't ever feel like this is your fault. And don't ever feel guilty for coming to me. I…I have the responsibility to make sure that my d-daughter…is safe. I can't promise that I will be there enough, and I can't promise that I'll be the best dad, but I can promise that you will never have to worry about money again. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with all of that, Susan. I'm so sorry."   
Susan just cries in relief, and he hugs her close. He can feel her ribs just hugging her, and he closes his eyes in shame. He's been buying the most expensive clothes he can find while the mother of his child is suffering with no way to get help.   
"What's her name?" Harry asks, tone casual, though he feels like his whole world is upside down.   
"After we had um…you were drunk still and kept babbling about whatever came to mind, then you randomly said you loved the name Emily. So there you have it. Emily Harper LeeAnne. If it goes far enough that you want to stay in her life, I can change her to a Styles. That may be thinking too far, sorr-"  
"No," Harry interrupts, "I'd love her to be a Styles. Now, take me to meet my daughter."

 

Somehow, Harry forgets the consequences, but it all comes rushing to him as he and Susan are walking back towards the VIP room. Harry had always wanted a baby girl, ever since he was two and saw his uncle coddling his baby girl, but he'd never imagined that his first baby would come from a one night drunken revenge stand, as horrible as it sounds. A cheat. He can't imagine how Louis is going to react.  
Louis, shit. Louis is never going to forgive him. Harry…Harry has to hide this. For now. Until he can get everything settled with Susan.  
Louis gives him a confused look when they get back to the VIP room, narrowing his eyes at both Harry's and Susan's tear tracks, though a look from one of their management team have him focusing back on the fans, who are looking a lot more happy now that Harry is back in the room.  
Harry, somehow, manages to explain the entire situation to Alberto in the next five minutes, leaving the man with a huge headache and a huge secret to keep for now. He eventually just pats Harry's back and leads Susan to one of the cars so they can head straight to hers right after the greets.  
Harry takes a deep breath. He has a daughter. He has to pretend everything is normal. And he's a shit liar. Splendid.  
Louis 'accidentally' bumps into him while they are leaning over the signing table not even two seconds after Harry joins them again. Liam is sending them curious looks and Niall is obliviously grinning at everything as usual.   
"What's going on? You were crying." Louis whispers to the papers he's signing, and it's directed at Harry, of course. But incase fans are taking pictures and recording, which they are, it has to look like they aren't talking to each other.   
"She's an old friend. Haven't seen her for ages. Bit emotional after all this time." Harry quickly whispers back. If Louis doesn't believe him, he doesn't say so, because then they have to move onto pictures.

 

When the greet is finally over, Harry doesn’t give any of the boys a chance to even say hello, especially Louis. He's too scared that as soon as he looks into his pretty blue eyes, he will explode and tell him everything. He doesn't even change his clothes into sweats and a t-shirt like he normally does. He just leaves quietly with Alberto and gets into the car with Susan, who smiles shyly at him and makes small talk as they drive.  
"Just to let you know, I am in no way still into you. I'm actually pretty sure I'm into girls. Just incase you were worried about that." She says, and it's actually a relief, that Harry doesn't have to let her down.  
"I'm so glad you said that. I’m actually engaged. To um…to Louis." he stammers, not so used to just telling people.  
She gasps loudly, hands covering her mouth.  
"So those super fans were right! Wow, I feel like I hold the world in my brain right now. Imagine if I just sent one tweet…" she trails off, and Harry chokes on air, wheezing and eyes watering up, panic coursing through his veins.   
Susan slaps at his back.  
"Harry! Relax, dude! I was just joking! Trying to lighten the mood. It been very um…soap opera dramatic so far. And I'm awkward."  
Harry is going to laugh and joke with her, relieved that she isn't going to out him-them-to the world before management says it's okay, but then the car is stopping, and Harry is filled to the brim with nerves. They are at a shabby flat building on the shabby part of town, but he barely notices. His daughter is in that building.  
"I’m scared." Harry whispers, not ready to get out yet. Susan sighs and laces their fingers together.  
"I’m right here with you, bud. C'mon, don't keep your daughter waiting. She's been waiting for almost two years already."  
Harry tries to shake his nerves away and man up, but they are still ever present, making his stomach fill with butterflies and his head light as Susan leads him through the flat building and to her flat. The elevator ride is filled with Harry bouncing on his toes and Susan taking deep breaths.   
Then she is unlocking a door and Harry's not ready. He can't do this. He's ready to turn around and leave forever when he hears the sweetest little voice.  
"Mama!" a high pitched tiny voice squeals, followed by small feet clapping clumsily on the floor and Susan crouching down and picking up the small girl. As soon as the almost-two year old looks over Susan's shoulder at Harry, and their identical eyes meet, Harry is in love. His heart is beating out of his chest and all of his nerves disappear as he looks into the eyes of his daughter and falls harder second after second.  
Susan was right, Emily is an exact copy of him. Just shy of two, she's got bright green eyes and his pouty lips, along with his nose and his curly hair, though hers is almost barely touching her shoulders and is thinner. Judging by the way she clumsily ran to greet her mother, it seems she got Harry's clumsiness, also. It looks like the only thing she got from Susan is her tan skin, something Harry has to work to get.  
"Daddy?" Emily squeaks, squirming in Susan's arms excitedly to try to get to him, and Harry's eyes widen, and he tears his eyes from his daughter and looks at Susan.  
"She knows who I am?" he asks, astounded, and Susan nods, smiling sheepishly. Emily squirms harder at the sound of his voice.  
"I didn't want her to think for a second that she didn't have a father. I showed her pictures and put on your songs and played your videos and stuff to let her have that in her life. Told her you were on vacation for a long while. Her favourite song is Once in a Lifetime, she won't fall asleep without it on."  
Finally, Emily's squirming and whining to get to Harry gets enough, and Susan holds the baby-toddler-almost two year old out to Harry.   
Harry swallows heavily and takes his daughter and holds her for the first time. Emily is warm and smells like baby and happiness and Harry loves her so much and he's barely known her for ten minutes.  
She blinks at him before lifting a finger and poking at Harry's dimple, which turns out is out in full force, but so is something else.  
Emily is suddenly sniffling wetly, bottom lip jutting out.  
"Why cry, Daddy?" she whimpers, and then Harry notices that he is, indeed, crying, staring at his first baby. He laughs wetly and with gentle fingers pets at her silky soft baby curls.  
"I just love you so much, Emily. And I'm sorry that I've missed so much of your life." she probably doesn't understand in depth what Harry is meaning, but her tears vanish and she pats at his cheek.  
"No cry, Dada. It okay." she says, smiling, a bit of gum along with her few teeth. Harry loves her so much his heart can't stand it. Looking at her, and recognizing that she is his. His daughter. He realises just then that he can handle whatever consequences he will face when he has to go back to reality, back to the band and back to his fiance. He can handle it, because he has to stay strong for this little girl right here, and he may have messed a lot of things up, but he is determined to give her the best life.

 

By the end of the week, Susan and Emily have moved to London, (something Susan had always wanted to do) and are living in the best house Harry could find. They both have new wardrobes and an endless supply of food and whatever they want. Harry also scored Susan a high-paying job and he is paying for everything. All of the bills and everything they need. He also threw Emily a party for her birthday, though it was only the three of them and Alberto at the party. She still really enjoyed it. Harry bought her a brand spankin' new toddler bed, an upgrade from her dingy crib. She'd screamed when she saw it. Emily's room was painted a pretty light pastel green, and the theme was anchors and rope and ships, ironically enough.   
But by the end of the week, Susan and Emily are worked out, but Harry has been avoiding Louis and the other boy, because he's never dealt good with problems, is avoiding him back. And at some point, Harry has to face this. He has to face what he's done. And sitting in this pretty room, holding his baby and singing Once in a Lifetime to her so she can sleep, he wishes he would've told Louis. The morning after, he regrets not telling him, because he's held it in for three years, and withholding the truth is just as bad as lying. 

 

They have a week break from tour, and Harry hasn't spoken to Louis in a few days, so busy with the girls. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late at night, and sometimes he finds Louis waiting for him on the couch, asleep. Harry cries as he carries him to bed, wishing he could tell Louis that everything is okay. But he can't.  
After a good while of pretending everything is okay, he finally works up the nerve to go home and tell him everything. He has to. He can't keep sneaking around like this.  
Harry leaves the girls' house early, and heads to his and Louis' nice big house they bought a while back. When he gets inside, the house is silent, and Harry finds Louis in the empty room they are reserving for their children, wearing one of Harry's sweaters and staring out one of the large windows on the far wall that give you an amazing view of the woods around them. Louis doesn't even glance at him when he comes in, just continues to look out the window, fingers rubbing over the soft carpet they had put in. It's imported from the softest carpet company in the world, very fit for a baby and child who falls a lot. They planned ahead very well.  
"Hey." Harry whispers in the dim lit room, shrugging off his coat and toeing off his shoes, before sitting down behind Louis and gently rubbing his back. He's very tense, and not relaxing even after five minutes of Harry rubbing his tense muscles. He knows something is wrong.   
They haven't even started talking, and Harry can feel his eyes tearing up. He drops his hands down to Louis' hips and presses his nose to his shoulder blade, squeezing his eyes shut.  
"Harry, are you cheating on me?" Louis whispers, voice carefully blank, and Harry exhales quietly.  
"What makes you think I am?" Harry asks, trying to prolong the inevitable. Louis is going to hate him. Harry loves him so much, but he can't stop this. He has to take whatever punishment Louis deems fits.   
"I've had two fathers cheat on my mum, I know the signs." Louis murmurs harshly, and Harry pulls away and starts to legit cry, and Louis' head bows, shoulders hunching up to his ears. Harry knows he's trying not to cry, doesn't want to be vulnerable here.  
"Why would you do this to us? To me? After everything we've worked for and fought for to be together!" Louis cries, folding himself up and crying quietly into his knees. Harry reaches out for him, tries to hold him, but Louis finally turns towards him, and it's to shove him away. Harry falls back onto his back, but scrambles to get back up. Louis is full-on crying, now. He looks absolutely heartbroken, and Harry is filled to the brim with guilt and sadness of his actions.   
"When? For how long? Have you been doing it for weeks, for months?" Louis spits, shoving him again. Harry lets him, biting his lip to not let out his pathetic whimpers.  
"It was once. In September of 2012." Harry sobs, and Louis' brows furrow and he hiccups, wiping at his eyes.  
"W-what? You mean…the time of the um…the tweet?" Louis whispers, and Harry nods. Louis leans back on his knees and processes this with a confused look."I thought it was recently. You've been so…we haven't talked, and you-wait was it when we'd fought and took that brake?"   
Harry nods, and Louis twirls his fingers together and thinks that over for quite a while, and Harry sits there and patiently waits, eyes puffy and heart racing.   
"Does that even count as cheating?" Louis eventually asks, and Harry wipes his eyes and leans up and sits cross-legged in front of him.  
"Yes," he says, "it has to, Lou. Even if we were taking a break; I slept with someone else out of anger of the tweet. It was meant to make you angry. And the fact that I never told you just finalizes it."   
Louis bites his lip and looks up, meeting his eyes.  
"But why…why have you been all distant and weird for the past while? Ever since you saw that Swedish girl in that greet-" he cuts off, eyes widening, and he looks at Harry in disbelief. Harry can't meet his eyes, is too ashamed. He stares down at the soft carpet and doesn't say a word.  
"Is that who you um…cheated with?" he asks quietly, and Harry nods, making Louis breathe out in a big rush.   
"Why did she come see you?" Louis asks after a long hesitation, like he's too scared of the answer to really want to know. It makes sense, too. Harry would be scared too. He is scared, actually.  
"She um…her name is Susan…" Harry explains everything. Tells him about Susan's trouble with raising Emily, tells Louis all about buying them a home, about how he and Susan have to romantic or sexual attraction to each other, about Emily. A lot about Emily, actually. He tells Louis that he loves her, tells him all about how he's been spending all of his time with his daughter while Susan is at work. Louis sits quietly and listens to every detail with a blank look.  
When Harry is finished talking, Louis is looking down at the carpet. Harry's hands are resting on the floor between them, and Louis' hand slowly comes down on top of his, and with careful fingers, he pets over the engagement ring that Harry can only wear out of paparazzi's cameras vision.  
"Did you ever love Susan?" he whispers, still thumbing at the ring. Harry's heart hasn't settled from it's fast pace this entire time.  
"No. Only you. It's always been you." Louis nods at Harry's words, and pulls his hand back and takes a deep breath.   
"I don't know if it's the fact that you hid this from me for so long, even though I told you I kissed that boy in the club during our break, or the fact that your first child is with someone who's not me. I mean, we are literally having this talk in our future baby's room. Um, but I don't know if I can um…if I can be…" he's having trouble, tears gathering in his eyes. He's never been good at talking feelings. That was always Harry who bravely told Louis his feelings. He was the one who said "so does this mean we're boyfriends?" back in X-Factor. He's the one who said "I think we should have sex now." He was always the feeling talker, and Louis was the social talker. It was just them. Now, here in this room, Harry knows what Louis wants, and he's going to spare him from the talking.  
"I can go stay with someone until you can deal with me being around you. I'll postpone the tour and we will take it slow. Just say the word and I'm out. Just know that I love you more than anything and I'm ready to come back at anytime. And I don't expect you to want me in our bed with you anytime soon, Lou."   
Louis looks up at the ceiling, trying to blink back his tears as he nods.  
"That's…yeah. That'll be good. Um…until then, I think it'll be better for us-for me-to have you hold onto this for now." then he's inching off his engagement ring that matches Harry's, but with a green gem instead of a blue one, and Harry's heart is skipping.  
"Louis-" he chokes off, hands shaking as Louis drops the ring in his hand, "please don't…I want to marry you, Lou. Don't end us."   
Louis brings his hand up and gently thumbs Harry's tears away. Harry presses into his palm and cries.  
"I'm not cancelling the wedding, Haz. It's just a maybe for now. I've had so many cheaters in my life…I just have to rethink you and rethink me and find myself. You owe me that."   
Harry nods, and then he's rocking forward on his knees and burying his face in Louis' lap. The older boy exhales shakily and holds the back of his neck gently. After holding each other for a minute, Louis stands, and Harry follows him. As they pack Harry a suitcase together, Harry wonders if this is now other couples do this after one cheats. Shouldn't there be things breaking and screaming at each other? Harry does suppose that he and Louis had always been a unique couple. They do things their own ways and it works for them. Louis zips up his suitcase and hands it to him, before sitting on the bed, a sign that he will be staying there while Harry leaves.  
Harry clutches Louis' ring in his hand and tries not to cry again.  
"Can I have a kiss before I go?" he murmurs, and Louis sighs and nods, leaning up on his knees on the bed and pulling him forward, before giving him the gentlest kiss they've ever shared. Harry breathes him in and re-memorises everything he knows about the boy, especially the way he smells, because he won't have that for quite a while. He inhales the smell of pizza and sweat and boy and a bit of peppermint because of his soap, and Harry is once again holding back tears.  
"I love you." he says, and Louis bites his lip, settling back down on the bed. Harry starts to the door, pulling his suitcase behind him, and looks back at him. He's already looking at Harry, blue eyes bluer because of his puffy red lids. Harry looks at him for a long time, and Louis looks back. It feels like goodbye forever, and that's what hurts the most. Harry can't help but feel like this is the end. This is the last time he will see Louis. The last time he will hear his beautiful voice.   
Harry makes his legs move, carrying him down the stairs and to the front door. He opens it, and turns, looking back at the house they designed themselves. Designed for the life they plan to have. Harry sets his key in the bowl, and shuts the door behind himself.

One month later

"How about funky bones?!"  
"No!"  
"I've named every show on here, love. What do you want to watch?"  
"Dumbo!"  
And that's how Harry ends up in a movie store at 5 AM holding his baby in his arms. The paps are relentless; they've been even worse since the story of Harry having a kid released. And with the timeline lined up with the tweet, the larry shippers are as strong as ever, even if they haven't seen Louis and Harry together in a month.  
Louis.  
God, Louis.  
Harry is almost obsessive with how much he tries to find on him. But his only outing this entire time was him stumbling out of a bar drunk off his arse in Harry's jumper and being dragged on by Alberto and Liam. Niall, the carefree soul, forgave him for what he did to Louis quite easily, but Harry can't say the same about Liam. The boy barely texts unless it's to remind him of the pain he's caused Louis. Like Harry doesn't cry in the shower everyday about it.   
The only thing holding him together is Emily. The responsibility of being a father is keeping him in the right mind. It's restless, and sometimes he wants to go out with friends and not have to be a father for a minute, but then he looks into her green eyes and realises that he doesn't want that. He has this beautiful little girl who depends on him to raise her, and that's what he will do.   
Anyways, so he's in the movie store desperately trying to find Dumbo. Why a random movie store in London is open at 5AM, Harry is not sure. But he's glad. He would've just rented it on his cable at the house, but that only lasts for 48 hours. Plus, Harry has a movie collection and he's surprised Dumbo was not in it.  
"Remind me to grab some fruit on the way home, Em." he says, patting at her chubby little belly through her wonderful banana onesie. Is Harry's favourite on her.   
"Fruit! Apple! Salad!" Emily squeals, and Harry grins, kissing her cheek as he finally finds Dumbo and picks it up.  
"Fruit salad, what a wonderful idea!"  
When he looks at her, she's not looking at him but over his shoulder. Harry follows her gaze and finds the last person he'd ever expect.  
"You're really good with her." Zayn says, smiling gently. His hair is slightly longer than the buzz cut Harry remembers seeing last time they looked up what he's doing. He's in his signature leather jacket and Emily is reaching out for him.  
"Zeen!" she gums at him, and Zayn looks absolutely delighted, waiting for Harry's nod before reaching forward and taking her hand, kissing it like she's a princess, making her giggle happily.  
"How does she know my name?" Zayn asks, and Harry shrugs a bit, toeing at the floor.  
"I might've educated her on everything about One Direction. She gets the general part, like the names. Some of the songs. Watch this," he turns to Emily and clicks his tongue to get her attention, and she looks curiously at him, "who's the smart one, baby?"  
"Lim!" she exclaims, and Zayn laughs, clapping his hands.  
"That's adorable. Speaking of Liam…I heard of what happened. Me and Liam talk, sometimes. Me and Niall, too. Louis' still not ready to forgive me for choosing R&B over you guys. How are you?"   
Harry's stomach flip flops at Louis' name being said out there like that, and the ring on the chain around his neck hidden under his shirt feels a lot more cold and prominent.   
"I'm…potty training this little bug. Living with her and her mother, who's working almost all the time. She's very determined to not let me pay every little penny of the bills. Um…my mum hasn't answered my calls in a while. I…" Zayn's eyes are open and warm as they've always been, and they pull the truth out of Harry just as they did back in X-Factor when Zayn asked if he had a crush on Louis.   
"I'm falling apart, Z. I miss him like crazy. I can barely sleep and Emily is the only thing that gives me the power to wake up in the mornings. I miss him and I miss performing and sometimes I just want to throw myself into traffic. I miss my mum and I miss you and I miss Liam and I miss my life." he hiccups wetly, making Emily start to whimper as she always does when Harry does.  
"Dada?" she whimpers, eyebrows already turning pink, eyes seconds from bursting.  
"I'm okay, Emily. Something just got in my eye." She accepts it and pats his cheek and tugs at his curls as she always does. Harry smiles softly at her.  
"How about we hang out, yeah? I love Dumbo." Zayn says, and Harry nods thankfully. Zayn is always a great person to talk to about your problems. He is insightful and can talk about anything with anyone and make you feel much better every time.   
"Fruit!" Emily exclaims as they check out, and Harry smiles at her, and goes on to gloat to Zayn about his smart girl, remembering what they need.   
But then they are walking to their cars, where Harry will lead Zayn to the house, and Harry almost takes a left out of the parking lot towards his and Louis' house, and his happy mood is gone instantly. He doesn't know if he can handle any longer without him. 

Harry is just settled into bed that night when he hears the unmistakable sound of puking. He jumps out of bed and follows the sound to Susan's toilet, where she is throwing up blood. Harry drops to his knees and hurriedly holds back her hair with one hand, while calling 999 with his other hand. "Susan, hold on. I'm calling 999." he tells her, eyes watering. He's always been very emotional, and dealing with serious things tend to do it for him. Like the time Liam broke his arm, Harry had cried all the way until Liam had pulled him into a hug and told him he was fine. That didn't stop them from taking the piss every time they could, though.  
When the ambulance comes, Harry rushes to Emily's room and wraps her up in a blanket and carries her to the ambulance back, where there are paramedics trying to help Susan, though Harry isn't really sure what exactly they are doing. Emily stays sound asleep in his arms the entire time.  
At the hospital, Harry holds Emily close to him and waits for hours. She eventually wakes up and he buys her a snack from the vending machine and helps her sip at a plastic cup of water before she falls asleep again.  
He makes small talk with a man who's waiting while his wife has surgery on her broken knee to calm himself.   
"Mr. Styles?"   
Harry jumps up, but is careful with his daughter in his arms. The doctor doesn't say a word, just leads him to a room where Susan is lying in a bed looking horrid. Her bones seem more prominent, her face is white as a sheet, her eyes seem to be sunken in, her lips are chapped, and she's completely bald. There's a wig sitting in her lap, and she's playing with the strands with a small smile.  
"What's going on?" Harry asks, panic rising in his chest. Susan motions him forward, and Harry sits on the chair next to her bed and holds her hand.  
"Harry, I have to tell you something. I've had leukemia since I was 10. I've lived longer than I should have, but it's spread to my heart, now. It's taken over. I…I won't last until the morning."   
Harry starts to cry, shaking his head.  
"No…you can't die, Sue. Emily-"  
"Emily will have her father to raise her in the best way. And perhaps if she's lucky, she will have another certain blue eyed father. I believe in you, Harry. I believe in love. And I'm not scared anymore."   
Harry sniffles and hands Emily over to her and lets her coddle her for the last time. Susan's eyes are drooping.  
"Harry," she sighs, and smiles at him, "don't ever lose hope, okay? Don't ever lose love. That baby in your hands depends on you. Don't ever lose that love you two have. And don't lose that love that you and that boy have."   
She dies that night in her sleep. The doctors say it was a painless death, and when Harry thinks over her words and looks down at the sleeping two year old in his arms, Harry knows that he has to fix his life himself, because it won't fix on its own.

 

Directly after the funeral, Harry packs a bag for him and Emily and leaves the house and starts the drive to Chesire. After finding out her son had cheated and produced a baby in the matter, Harry's mum has barely spoken to him. Barely any of Harry's family has spoken to him, too ashamed of his actions. Too disappointed. And the Tomlinson's…well…most of them have blocked his number, and Lottie sends him a text every now and then to remind him that she's going to cut him the next time she sees him.  
Driving to Chesire helps, though. Pulling over every now and then to tend to Emily's needs. Now that they are potty training, she just starts whimpering and yelling "potty!" when she needs to go. Most of the time, it leads to Harry speeding through traffic to get to the nearest place with a public toilet. He's bought her all these cute little baby pull-ups that are basically panties but will protect her like a diaper incase she can't hold it in. They help a lot.  
The drive gives Harry a lot of time to think. He thinks about Susan and thinks about Emily and thinks about his family and about Louis. He thinks a lot. He goes over different scenarios of how he will react when his mum slaps him and tells him to sod off.   
It doesn't exactly go like that when he gets there. When he pulls up to the house, a sense of home fills him, and he can already smell his mother's perfume, can already taste the homemade bread, can already feel Gemma's arms around him.  
Even though she is well old enough to walk, Harry holds Emily with one hand and their suitcase with the other. This is a new place and he doesn't want her afraid. When his mum answers the door, she looks at him, then at Emily, then at his suitcase, and purses her lips. Harry takes a deep breath.  
"Susan's gone. I…I know I haven't been the man you raised, and I will never forgive myself, but I just really need my Mum right now. If not…If not for me then for your granddaughter."  
Harry's mum sighs and after a few moments, she pulls them in with open arms.

Harry's been at his Mums for two days and is just settling into bed after putting Emily down to sleep when his phone starts vibrating. He yawns and tiredly picks up his phone and has a heart attack the minute he sees the caller.  
Harry jumps up from bed and rushes to the bathroom so he doesn't wake up Emily as he paces everywhere. It keeps vibrating and Harry doesn't want to make it seem like he's ignoring him. He presses the answer button and lifts the phone to his ear, his heartbeat probably able to be heard from the other line.  
"H-hello?" Harry whispers, voice braking a bit. This is it. Louis is going to tell him that he's sent the divorce papers. They will never speak again. Never sing on a stage together again. Never get marr-  
"Come home, Harry." Louis murmurs, then releases a huge breath right after.  
Harry covers his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut.  
"Are you sure? L-Lou…"   
"Yeah. I'm sure. I've thought a lot in the past month. I'm not…not exactly ready to sleep in the same bed yet. I can't stop thinking about you and Susan…yeah. But I want you here. And Emily. She can come too. Or-she has to, anyways…b-beca-"  
"You're rambling," Harry interrupts, smiling even as a tear falls from his eye, "and I want you to know that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I'll spend forever begging for forgiveness."   
Louis huffs a tiny laugh, making Harry's insides swirl.  
"Just come home."


	2. just like it used to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: SUICIDE ATTEMPT. DEPRESSING THOUGHTS. HURTFUL, HORRIBLE WORDS AND PEOPLE. LOTS OF ANGST.

So Harry does. It's 8 at night but he waddles up Emily and kisses his mum's cheek and speeds all the way home, a bit lightheaded thinking of seeing Louis again. Sleeping in the same house as him. In their house.  
"Where we, dada?" Emily murmurs from the backseat sleepily. Harry smiles at her through the rearview mirror.  
"We are at our new home, baby. You're going to meet the boy I love. Remember his name?" He's really just trying to work up the nerve to finally go inside.  
"Lulie?" Emily asks excitedly, and Harry gets out the car and pulls her out of her carseat. He lets her walk, now, and she clings onto his hand as they go. Harry decides to grab his suitcase later.   
When he gets to the front door, he spends a good few minutes trying to work up more nerves.   
"Cold, daddy." Emily whines softly, hugging his leg. It's almost August, but he just accepts it and rings the doorbell.  
It takes a few minutes before the door swings open, revealing a sleep-rumpled Louis.   
"Hey." Harry exhales breathily and Louis smiles sheepishly.  
"Thought you'd wait until morning, to be honest, but come in." Louis says with a huff of a tiny laugh.  
Harry's about to move, but then-  
"Hi." Emily squeaks from behind Harry's leg, and Louis' eyebrows raise like he forgot Harry had a child. Which he probably did. His brain doesn't kick in until about an hour after he's woken up. Louis looks down at Emily with wide eyes, then back up at Harry.  
"Wow…she really looks like you. Um," he crouches down to Emily's level and holds out a hand, "hello, love. I'm Louis. You must be Emily."  
She smiles and pushes past his hand and hugs him tightly. He looks surprised but hugs back with a laugh.  
"She's very friendly." Harry explains, and Louis smiles and pulls away.  
"You're very pretty, Emily. Would you like you see your new room? I had your things moved here from um…the other house." Louis explains, and Harry nods with relief. That's one less thing he had to do. Plus he doesn't know if he could stand seeing Susan's stuff everywhere. He had really connected with her in the past month.  
Louis goes with Emily, who's decided that Louis is now her favourite, which Harry is used to happening when they are both around small children, and Harry goes back to the car to grab the suitcase and brings it to the living room. He grabs a sheet from the hall closet and drapes it over the couch, and grabs a pillow from the closet too, before deciding against it. He can handle the couch cushion as a pillow. He lies down their movie night blanket and brushes his teeth in the kitchen sink before sitting down and checking his phone.  
"I showed her bed to her and she kinda passed out on it. What're you doing?" Louis comes further into the living room and raises an eyebrow at Harry's makeshift bed.  
"We have two guest rooms, Harry." Louis says, like Harry could've forgotten their house plan; like they didn't design ever inch of it themselves.  
"I…I think I will take the couch. Until I feel like I deserve the luxury of a bed." Harry says, kicking his feet and not meeting Louis' eyes. Louis is silent for a minute, before he sits down hesitantly next to Harry. Harry can feel Louis' piercing blue eyes on him, and he fights to not look back or squirm under his gaze. He keeps his eyes on the floor.  
"We weren't dating when you slept with her, Harry." Louis says, and Harry shakes his head firmly, squeezing his eyes shut.  
"It's cheating. I kept it hidden."   
"It's not, Haz. I've been thinking more than I have my entire life. We were on a brake. I forgive you…where's my ring?"   
Harry sniffles wetly, now full on looking back at him. He pulls the chain from its spot under his shirt, the ring dangling.  
Louis scoots forward and his hands feel like electricity when they brush Harry's skin while he unclasps the chain and pulls the ring from it.  
"Put it on me." Louis says, and Harry can't stop being so emotional for some reason. He cries as he slides the ring back onto Louis' finger, and he cries when Louis pulls him into a hug. Harry smells his scent, and cries some more.   
"Stop crying, Haz, honestly." Louis huffs, then stands up. He's about to walk out of the room but Harry pulls him back in with two hands on his waist. He presses his forehead to Louis' tummy and in Louis' surprise, his hands land in Harry's hair.  
"I'm so sorry, Lou. I never wanted this to happen to us." Harry says, voice slightly muffled by Louis' tummy. Louis exhales shakily and pushes Harry back before crawling onto his lap and wiping away his tears.  
"If this is going to work you're going to need to stop, Haz. I've forgiven you. Now it's your turn to forgive yourself."   
It's quiet, then. Harry's eyes are closed as his head lies against the back of the couch and Louis-he can't-it's been a month and a half since he and Harry have even talked. He can't-  
Harry gasps the moment he feels Louis' lips on his, and his hands immediately tighten on Louis' hips.  
"Wha-wha-"  
"Shut up, Harry." Louis grumbles to Harry's rambling, and Harry knows Louis. He's known him and memorised every inch of him and he knows Louis is not ready for this. He knows that Louis just needs to know that.  
"You aren't ready for this." Harry whispers when he feels Louis' tears against his cheek. Louis kisses him desperately, hands tightening where they are clutching Harry's shoulders.  
"Lou, you aren't ready." Harry says a bit louder, and Louis just seems to break. He starts to really cry, pulling away to cover his face with his hands. Harry just keeps his hands on Louis' thighs. Doesn’t want to take it too far.  
"I want to love you again so bad. I want that feeling we had. I want that love and that care and that feeling of home and safeness. I can't-it won't come back-I can't stop thinking about you w-with her…"  
Harry's heart is braking, but he just pulls Louis close and holds him tightly.   
"I know," Harry murmurs, even though he doesn't; he can't fathom ever stopping loving Louis, "I know…"  
They cry together, there in the living room, until Louis whispers into the thick silence of broken hearts.   
"Just one more time." he murmurs, fingers gentle against Harry's scalp when he slowly runs his fingers through it. Harry wants to say no, he really does. But he knows deep in his heart that this is the last time he will ever get the chance to be intimate with the boy he will always loves.  
So he kisses him. He kisses him as they walk to their master suite. He opens him up slow and careful, and fucks him with deep, loving thrusts. They pant into each others' mouths as they cry, thick tears against their heated skin. When they come, it's with sobs. And in the morning when Harry wakes up to the vague smell of sex and heat, he rolls over to a room half empty. The toothbrush next to his, half of the clothes in the closet, the charger in the wall, the mug next to his in the cabinet. The only thing left behind is Harry's broken heart, and a ring left on the nightstand, ready to once again be put on the chain around his neck.

 

The hardest part is seeing him everyday. The hardest part isn't bringing along a baby on tour, just them two on their own tourbus. The hardest part isn't the tweets of hatred and the horrid signs Harry sees at every show and everyday after the full story of what happened came out, thanks to Liam, who was very angry when a crying blue eyed boy showed up at his house asking to stay.   
No, the hardest part is seeing Louis every day. Smiling with the other boys and going out and having fun and laughing it off when Niall asks about that person he saw him kissing him the night before at whatever club of whatever city they are in. Harry's sort of drifted away from the group. They haven't minded, anyways. They all hate Harry after finding out what he did. Cheated. Harry once overheard them while walking to his hotel room one night, and Liam was talking about how much babies cry all of the time, how it's always giving him a headache.   
Emily is the only thing keeping Harry from falling apart at the seams. His happy smiley baby keeps him on his feet, gives him something to keep him busy and stop him from thinking too much.  
But, when she's asleep and Harry is awake all night, the thoughts take him over. And sometimes, he will jump at the sound of his alarm clock or the sound of Alberto calling him, and realise that he lied there not moving a muscle the entire night.  
At first, it seemed hard for Louis, too. He would be standoffish and would blank out when he accidentally met Harry's eyes, but eventually it was like Harry disappeared. Which he had. He wears less showy clothes, and cuts his hair so he won't bring attention with long hair, and he doesn't dance around on stage as much anymore. He mostly sits down near the drum set so that the fans can't throw hurtful yells and things at him like they did at first. He barely speaks up, just stares at his lap during meetings. While writing the fifth album, they wrote in separate rooms because Niall complained about a headache when Emily started whining about being hungry. Harry had gently placed his seven fully written, whole hearted songs down on the table and left quietly with Emily to get her lunch. One had been used on the fifth album. Harry wasn't invited to Louis' private birthday party or even given a text on Christmas. Harry had still bought Louis a present, a thin worn leather bracelet with his siblings name around the band that he had made, and Harry'd given it to Alberto to give to Louis. When they'd gotten back on tour two days after Christmas, Liam had knocked on Harry's door and wordlessly places the bracelet in his palm before walking away. Harry had cried until he passed out that night. Clearly, the boys were very set on keeping grudges, and Harry didn't blame them.  
He was certain that he hated himself far more than any of the other three. 

Harry's eyes shoot open when his alarm goes off. He rolls over and finds that it's finally February first. He's 22 now. He's also gotten two hours of sleep last night, a new record. He smiles and rolls out of the hotel bed and uses the toilet and brushes his teeth, before leaning over Emily's sleeping body and kissing her soft forehead.  
"Wakey wakey, baby girl." he murmurs, and Emily whimpers, rolling over so her face is in the pillow.  
"Ah ah, is someone wanting to be tickled awake?" Harry wonders aloud, and Emily's giggles are muffled into the pillow. Harry is just about to clasp his hands down and tickle her, when she shoots up and nearly brains herself jumping out of the bed and proceeds to trip before she gets three steps away.  
"Em, you alright?" Harry asks, walking around the bed and picking her up. She looks down at her hands, then at her bare knees.  
"Ok, Daddy." she confirms. Harry smiles and gets her dressed in a little baby romper. Usually he orders room service but he decides that since it's his birthday, he's going to go have breakfast in the breakfast room today.  
When he gets down there, hand holding onto Emily's, the boys are sat in the far corner loudly talking, and Harry quickly changes his plan. Emily and he have talked about the situation with the boys, and though she pouted for days after Harry told her she can't talk to them anymore, she seems to be doing alright now. Though, when Harry sets her on the counter while he makes their breakfast, she looks longingly at them with big green eyes.   
The boys are talking loudly, so Harry can hear them, and he listens to them laugh as they recall a memory of being in x-factor, when Niall had broken his guitar after a girl rejected him. Everyone laughs, and Harry lets himself smile at the memory. He catches himself, though, and when he quickly glances over to make sure nobody noticed, there are steady blue eyes set on him. They stare at each other for a few intense moments, both of their smiles fading, but the other boys quickly notice and the moment is gone, Louis' head dropping back to his breakfast.  
"Hey Lou, lets go check out the city! I hear they've got great clubs here." Niall quickly says, and next thing Harry knows, the three boys are throwing away their trash and heading out. Harry tries to focus on making breakfast, but his daughter is starting to really outsmart him.  
"Okay, Daddy?" she asks, swinging her legs so her heels hit the cabinet below her. Harry clears his throat and mumbles about something in his eye, and allows himself one glance back where the boys disappeared to, and his heart skips a beat when he finds Louis standing shyly at the door, just twenty feet away. They stare into each others' eyes again, Harry's heart beating through his chest and the smallest flicker of hope rising up. He watches Louis' eyes drop down to where he knows the ring and chain are slightly showing through his thin white t shirt. Louis' eyes flicker up to his again, so much emotion in them, and he opens his mouth like he's going to say something.  
There's a splat noise, and Harry turns to find that Emily has thrown an open banana on the floor. Harry sighs and when he turns back towards the doorway, Louis is gone. Harry is left wondering if he was even there in the first place.

The thing is, is that the fans don't know the entire story. They just know that Harry is Emily's father, and that suddenly Louis is heartbroken. The process had both outed them, and made the fans multiply. Louis has always been the fans' favourite, the one they are most protective over, so Harry is now known as scum of the earth. A lot of them have this theory that Harry was cheating the whole time and that Emily's mum finally decided Harry deserved losing Louis, and so she gave Harry Emily. Others say that Harry was raising Emily as a secret, and also secretly married to Susan, and when she died Harry couldn't hide it anymore. Long story short, it's as rare as pigs flying to be at a concert and hear or see a single positive thing about him. He had never been good with dealing with hate, had always pushed it away and pretended he didn't see it. But when it's nothing but hate…well it gets messy. Harry spends nine shows out of ten crying during their bathroom breaks, or calling his mum so that he doesn't literally just fall apart.  
Harry thought he could handle this. It's his birthday, so he's trying to have the best time he can. He walks around a little during his solos, belts out his wmyb solo even though their formation is no more and he is almost drowned in boo's every time. He's taken to not even reading signs anymore.  
But then the VIP greets come around as they do after every show, and Harry sits back as he always does. At first, he would sign things with the other boys and pose in pictures, but then VIP sales dropped because the girls didn't want a cheater in and on their stuff. So now Harry sits back with Emily and tries not to feel like a literal pile of shit. It never works. He always does.   
He's comparing his hand size with Emily's, when a small girls comes up to him.  
"Hi." she says shyly, and Harry smiles at her, that feeling of hope blooming once again in his chest. She holds out a piece of paper to him, and Harry takes it with a smile, about to thank her when she bounces away and right out of the room, like he's all she came for.  
Harry unfolds the paper and kisses Emily's cheeks in his excitement. He hasn't gotten a positive thing in so long. Maybe the birthday gods are finally looking over him.  
Then he looks at the paper when he's done unfolding it.   
There's a black and white drawing of a stick figure with curly hair hanging himself, and under it are the words "do the world a favor, Harry." 

That night, Harry kisses his baby one last time, and hands her off to Lou who obliviously agreed to babysit for the night, probably seeing the bags under his eyes that weren't from Emily, but at least Lou is still nice to him.  
He writes a letter, and packs it in an envelope, writing Emily's name on the front. As he is just finishing his last meal, it's just turned 11 at night when he hears voices in front of his door.  
"Just a minute, please." Louis' voice is unmistakable, and Harry knows he's talking to one of the bodyguards who have started guarding Harry's door at night ever since that one fan dressed up as a hotel worker and tried to poison him.  
"Louis, stop, you know this isn't a good idea." that's Liam's voice. Harry cleans up his dinner and figures that if he wants to do this, he might as well hear the voices of his favourite boys in his last moments.  
He steps over to the tall closet, where the chair and noose are already ready. He sighs, looking down at the picture of Emily placed on his bed so it is his last sight. He pulls the noose over his head and pulls it snug, before taking a few deep breaths.  
"It's his birthday. I need…I need to see him. Please." it's unlike Louis to beg, but Harry doesn't allow himself to feel hope. It always ends in more pain. Every time.  
"I'm sorry, Louis. But Emily Styles is with Lou Teasdale right now. And Harry has requested that nobody be allowed in." whichever bodyguard is on duty right now says, and Harry decides it's now or never.  
"What? That's so unlike him to-"   
The sound of Harry kicking the chair from under him is very loud, but what's even louder is the sound of the flimsy hotel clothes pole breaking under Harry's weight and Harry falling to the floor. The pole makes a sound like a gunshot when it hits the hotel floor, and Harry isn't even surprised. He can't even fucking off himself correctly.  
He's vaguely aware of the bodyguard using his spare key to get it at the ruckus. He just lies blankly on the floor and cries shamefully. Then there's a scream, and hands are surrounding him. Harry doesn't really fully react until there are soft hands cradling his cheeks and wet blue eyes staring into his.  
"You're so fucking stupid. What are you doing?" Louis sobs, and Harry brings his hands up to cover Louis' on his face. It might be because Harry's head slammed against the floor when he fell, but he's feeling a bit woozy.  
"You can see me? I t-thought I was invisible." Harry slurs, then proceeds to black out, and Louis presses his forehead to Harry's temple and sobs.

When Harry wakes up, as much as a cliché as it is, he's in a hospital bed, and yes the lights are bright as hell.  
"Hey, don't sit up. You hit your head quite hard." a soft voice whispers, and Harry smacks his chapped lips and looks over to find Louis who looks like he's just been through a war, with puffy eyes and pale skin and messy hair. The memory of what happened come back to Harry in bits and pieces, and he looks away from Louis.  
"This is embarrassing. Can't even fuckin' kill myself and now I'm going to have to tell you that you're off the hook. You can leave. Don't pretend you care." his voice cracks, and then there's a warm hand holding his, and Harry slowly turns his head back to Louis, who looks like he wants to throw himself into a trash bin.  
"I do care, Harry, God. I…I care more than you'll ever know. I don't know why I let it get this far. We weren't even d-dating when it happened and yet I let the entire world turn against you and for that I have no right being angry about anything anymore. I'm not going to let Liam and Niall hold me away from you, and I'm going to tell everyone the truth. I can't stand the tweets and the signs about you anymore. I will never forgive myself for what I let happen. I will never forgive myself for not speaking up while you withered away."   
"Join the party." Harry murmurs, looking up to the ceiling and away from Louis because he can't stand it look at him without wanting to cry. It's been so long since they've said a word to each other and suddenly they are having a conversation. Louis' sniffling is really making it hard.  
"The thought of losing you, Harry, I-" his hand tightens its hold on Harry's and he chokes out a sob. Harry keeps a firm stare on the ceiling and clenches his free hand in the sheets.  
"When I saw you on that hotel floor, with that noose around your neck while you cried and whispered about being invisible, my first thought was Emily, and how she was going to be raised without a father suddenly, and then I thought about you not being in this world anymore, not being in this band and not being by my side and the thought is…I can't even think about it without crying. I'm so sorry that it led up to that."  
It's silent for a minute, just the beeping heart monitor and Louis' crying, then he's talking again.  
"I feel so stupid. I sat back and let Liam and Niall call the shots while you were just falling apart right there, just out of arms reach, and I didn't even notice. I was so focused on not looking at you so it wouldn't hurt, that I eventually forgot that I was focused on that. You were dealing with a toddler and so much hate and the worst from your own bandmates while I just sat back and stared at my phone instead of looking up to see how you're doing…I just want you to know that I pressed charges against that teenager who sent her younger sister to give you that note. We also added a policy where there will be guards checking every sign that comes in every venue, and checking for anything dangerous. A-and I'm quitting the band. Right after I tell everyone the truth."   
His hand starts to slip from Harry's, but Harry tightens his hold, and he hears Louis' breath catch.  
"Did you really lose your love for me?" Harry asks, just a small voice of a question, and Louis' voice breaks when he answers.  
"Not even for a second. I don't know what I was thinking. I just couldn't stop imagining you and Susan…and I got angry…the truth is I got lost without you." he uses their Half a Heart lyric without even realising it, and when they realise, Harry starts to laugh, and then Louis laughs, and tears are mixed in with the laughter, and then they are crying together.   
"Don't leave." Harry says, and Louis leans forward to press his nose to Harry's neck.  
"I'll be here as long as you'll have me, promise." Louis answers.

 

"O-oh yeah." Louis breathily moans when he bottoms out, and Harry lets him take control of the pace, as he is riding Harry and all.   
After a while, Harry can't stand to just lie here while Louis slowly grinds in circles, smirking down at Harry as the boy quickly loses his patience.  
Harry plants his feet on the bed and thrusts up, slamming Louis down by the hips at the same time, resulting in a long drawn out moan from the older boy.  
"Don't wake up the kids." Harry pants, keeping up his quick pace. They may be getting older, but they have never lost their kinks, like Harry's love for his hair being pulled, and Louis' whole 'power bottom' thing.   
It had taken a long time to get back to what they would call normal. It took even longer to get Louis to forgive himself, along with Harry. After a live twitcam with just Louis, Harry, and Emily, who was thankfully too young to understand what they were talking about when they told the whole real truth. Harry was overloaded with gifts and sorry notes. The band quickly broke apart. The reason? The fans stopped coming to their shows, as they were too ashamed of what they said and did to Harry.  
Now, with Emily at eight years old, and with two more children, their lives are good. It was a hard journey, but Harry feels it was worth it to get Louis in the end. And his beautiful kids.  
"Am I not interesting enough here, Haz? You're drifting off. What're you thinking about?" he breaks off into a moan when Harry thrusts up hard into his prostate.  
"Thinking about how lucky I am." Harry grunts, and he can feel himself getting close. Louis looks the same. He's at that point where his mouth is slack and his limbs are jelly and he can barely keep his eyes from rolling to the back of his head as Harry hits his prostate dead on every time. He's had lots of practice at making Louis' smirk and quick wit turn into moans and sweating.  
When they come, Harry pulls Louis down into a kiss.   
"I love you." he says, just when the baby monitor lights up with cries from downstairs. They both smile, glad that they were able to finish for once. Though neither of them would change it for the world. They have been through a lot, but love gets them through it. Every time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell at me over at my tumblr: ohpleaselarry

**Author's Note:**

> before you comment, yes there will be a part two! don't even ask!   
> my tumblr is ohpleaselarry !


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